I Love Me!

You might be wondering what credits I have to be telling anyone about LOVE. Well, for your information, I’m a lot more than just a health and fitness coach. I’ve been a husband for about 14 years and a dad for about 13. So far we’re doing something right. Plus I read a lot. The Bible, personal and spiritual development, you know, the good stuff, the meat and potatoes to life kind of stuff and how to live a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling one.

A side from that, my credits are from the school of hard knocks. I’m just a regular guy who’s had a rough past and now I’m just doing my thing and trying to empower others achieve their dreams!

But enough about me, this post may be about love but it also has EVERYTHING to do about your health and fitness, so humor me here and read along, you may be surprised.

Have you ever been on a plane when the flight attendant is giving the pre-trip “low down” on what to do in case of an emergency? I always cringe at the part where they talk about the oxygen masks falling from the ceiling. Especially when you’re traveling with a small child and they tell you to make sure you put your mask on first before helping anyone else, even your own child!

I really think that alone would be tough to do! Most of us would struggle like crazy to mask our little ones before masking ourselves. I mean, aren’t we supposed to look after others? Put their needs before ours? Isn’t that LOVE?

Hold that thought!

It’s really obvious, if you’re gasping for breath, you can’t help ANYONE else. Now you don’t have to be in a crisis to understand and apply this airline wisdom to life, or your health. You cannot take care of your family if you do not tend to yourself first. It’s that simple.

Most people misinterpret self-love for selfishness, a negative trait. It seems to be an even bigger dilemma for those who hold religious traditions and views. We get caught in the trap of thinking this is an either/or dichotomy. Either I focus on myself, or I focus on serving others, especially my family that needs me so much. I either ram rod my way through life “looking out for number one” or I decrease so others might increase, even if I get trampled in the process!

It seems that taking care of others means neglecting ourselves.

I heard a friend of mine who’s a mother put it this way. “If I take care of me I feel like a selfish jerk, like I’m doing something wrong.” “If I focus on my family I feel like a doormat, busting myself to please and serve and feeling left unappreciated.” Exactly! That’s the false dichotomy we’re dealing with.

Sure I’d like to put my needs before others but I can’t do that, I won’t do that. It’s just not Christian, or moral, or right. RIGHT?

WRONG!

One of the great commandments is to “Love thy neighbor as thy self.” Think about our western culture. We’d be in serious trouble if we actually loved others and our family like ourselves. Think about it, along with packing a healthy lunch for our kids with a loving note inside, we’d throw in a half-eaten doughnut and a pot of coffee in their book bag!

What if you talked to your spouse and kids the way you talk to yourself after making a mistake? Most of us would gripe out the other person with all kinds on negative comments and call them names for making the same mistake again. You stupid idiot! Hahaha.

Maybe some of us already do that, and maybe there actually IS a better way to live!

One notable thinker and French dude by the name of Bernard of Clairvaux seriously wrestled with this issue. He wrote his thoughts and findings on this in a series called the Four Levels of Love. His question was how to balance a love for self, and a love for God. But I think his work applies to all of our relationships!

Let me summarize it for you.

First level of love: I love me, for my benefit!

Now Bernard saw this as the most selfish view of love. Someone with this mindset sees it like this. “I am only interested in results that immediately and ultimately benefit me.” Kind of like a newborn baby right. We all grow from this level but sometimes we can quickly divert right back to it if we allow. Don’t be a full grown baby.

Second Level of Love: I love you, for my benefit.

Someone at this level thinks like this. “I love you and care for you because I receive validation by adding value to your life. I love you because I need to in order to feel right, safe, strong, worthy.” In musical terms, “I need you to need me.” “I love you because of what our relationship does for me and how it makes me feel. It also gives me a reason to reciprocate my efforts.” Bernard questioned if this could really be labeled love at all since its basis is on a hidden agenda. It’s the golden rule twisted inside out, instead of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It’s become “do unto others so that they MIGHT do unto you.”

This is where most people find themselves in most of their relationships. I’ve been guilty of this too! Who doesn’t want appreciation and validation for all they do for others. But is that why we do all those sacrifices? To feel appreciated? Of course not, we do it because we love our friends and family. But what’s behind our need for someone to notice? This isn’t about wanting appreciation; it’s about wanting validation for all our efforts in order to keep going. “If nobody is appreciating all my sacrifices, then why am I continuing with such efforts?” It’s because we’re stuck at the second level of love. I love you for my benefit.

Third Level of Love: I love you, for your benefit.

I believe this level is deceptive because it appears to be the highest form of love and the most beneficial to the world. “I am selfless, and I am here for you.” “I am here to serve you and my personal needs and personal motives do not come into picture at all.” For a variety of reasons this seems to be the ideal for most relationships. We hear it everywhere! “I’ll always be here for you,” “I’ll always be with you,” “I’ll do anything for you.” The one we tend to tell our kids… “You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”

YIKES! Who really wants that kind of pressure? Especially if you’re a kid, that’s a whole lot of responsibility to be loaded with; to be one’s supreme reason for existence? The problem with this is that it doesn’t truly exist! And it’s a good thing. No one can fully take themselves out of the relationship equation! And by thinking that I can serve someone without any motives of my own only increases the chances of my own self-deception and hidden expectations. You can see how this level of love always reverts back to level two. I can never fully eliminate myself or my interests and desires in the relationship. Thankfully, we just weren’t made that way! We want our relationships where people find true joy with us, pursuing their own happiness and ours. We don’t want selfless martyrs only living for us, especially not a parent.

This brings us to Bernard’s Level four and highest level of love which he believed was the only way out of the “either I or you” dilemma.

Now this may sound different than what you’ve previously believed and maybe even a bit heretical to some of you but I believe this is the key to empower revolutionary relationships with our family and everyone else! Here goes…

Fourth Level of Love: I love me, for your benefit.

Now think carefully about that statement. This person says, “I love me, I work on me, and build myself up to my fullest potential, so that I can come to you from a position of wholeness, a position of fullness. I take care of me, so that you don’t have to. From fullness I can empty my gifts, my love, and my actions, for your ultimate benefit. I am the only one in charge of me and I am the one who is ultimately responsible for me and my wellbeing. Therefore, as a steward of my greatest gift, my life, I need to take steps to ensure my health, my mind, sanity, and my own validation of a person in the world so that I may free you, I can serve you without needing you to serve me,”

Now think about how this will radically transform your relationships with those around you, your kids and your family. I stumbled into all of this on accident by finally deciding to work on my health after years of neglect that I thought was actually selfless sacrifice. I sacrificed my health and taking care of me that I got to where I ran out of breath playing with my kids for five minutes in the yard. That wasn’t love, that wasn’t serving them, it was robbing them, it was robbing them of me, their own dad.

You may know but I lost my dad young in life, I started to relate with how they felt when I’d come inside while they stayed out playing. It was like I wasn't present. It’s sickening to me that I had not decided to fix that when it was well within my control to do so.

I’ve learned and grown in so many more ways thanks to Beachbody. It’s WAY beyond just my physical transformation. I’ve grown in my abilities, my finances, my knowledge of food, my mind and body, my relationships new and old, my daily walk with God, my marriage, and yes even in love.

Joining a Beachbody challenge group and becoming a Coach was LIFE CHANGING for me,…It gave my kids their dad back! So when all you see is me all pumped up on Facebook to help others reach their fitness goals, I see opportunity in each and every person to do, see, and become more. Let’s not sell ourselves short any longer! I want to help you do the same.

#Love #me #Levelsoflove